Have you ever
replied to those Internet phishing scams where someone claims to have a huge
pile of money just waiting for you?
I did.
The following is an
exchange between Miss Justina Morgan (AKA Nigerian Internet scammer) and Dick
Donkey (AKA me).
Please read from
the top.
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello from Miss
Justina Morgan
You may be surprised to
receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally.I
am miss Justina Morgan,the only child of Dr.George Morgan,my families was
murdered in the farm land crisis dispute in our country Swaziland.I
am writing from (Senegalaise) where i currently based and Before the death of my father,he deposit the sum of (US$3.9M) Three million,nine hundred thousand United States dollars in a
Finance Company.Maybe he for-saw the looming danger
in the Swaziland .
This money was initially
meant to purchase new machines and chemicals for the farms and also to
establish a new farm
in the Kenya.The farm land problem came
when the government of Swaziland,introduced a new
Government decree/act that,affected a lot of Citizens
and The masses.This resulted to mob action and
killings by Swaziland crisis Veterans and some Lunatics in the society, so to
say.
In fact,a lot of people were killed in the farm land reform
act and I have consulted they finance company about my father money also to
transfer the money out of their custody to any of my foreign partner abroad
since I cannot handle the money and I am still alittle
girl and I do not know how to handle such a huge of funds and I want to go back
to my school as I did not finished my study,
I know that you are a good
person with good heart and I know that you can help me out.
Please Email me and Let me
know your tought toward this matter to enable us
proceed on it.
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Regards,
Miss Justina Morgan.
************************************************************************
Hello Miss Justina
Thank you for your touching
email.
You write very well for a
young girl. You must have studied hard. Probably at an
imaginary school.
I am so sorry to hear about
the decimation of your homeland, your subsequent refugee status, and the
massacre of your family. This must be a pain in the arse, and terribly
inconvenient. Like sitting on a nail. Or unplanned bum sex. I sympathise.
Anyway, your current
situation sounds very interesting. US$3.9M you say? That's a lot of money. Do
you plan to buy some sweets and maybe a new dress if you get hold of the money?
You would look so pretty! Maybe I could give you advice on how to spend your
fortune because I am good with budgets. I once saved up enough money to buy a
pigeon, and then I sold it making a cheeky profit of $25. The pigeon died soon
after, but that's life, or death, depending on which way you
look at it. Hey, you should know! Those lunatics in Swaziland
slaughtered your family - whoops!
Because of my track record in
pigeon profiteering, perhaps I could help you get the money and then you could
put me in charge of your vast wealth. Because, like you say, I have a good
heart. How did you know this?!
How do we proceed? Maybe I
should wire you some money to help with your education expenses in Senegal. Do
you need pencils, etc? I know a guy who has lots of blunt ones. Perhaps I can
sharpen some for you and send them over. Can you send pencils in the post these
days? Damn terrorists! Or would you just prefer money?
I am happy to send you some
cash. Do you prefer $US or some unstable hyperinflated
African currency? Please let me know. I can do Western Union. What's your
account?
And please send me a photo so
that I know you are genuine. Preferably one of you posing in a bathroom mirror
like those skanks you see on facebook. Ungodly
tramps!
Kind regards,
Dick
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Dear Donkey Dick, Thanks For Your Email
Dear Donkey Dick,
Thanks for your email and
your willingness to help me transferring my late father's money in your country
under your control,I want
you to understand that i have contacted the ceo of the finance company for the releasement
of my late father's money out of their custody to you as my foreign partner abroad,After my discussion with the ceo
of the finance company,he made me to understand that i should introduce you to them officially to enable them
establish contact with you for further instructions on the release of the money
to you.
Therefore,I will like
you to understand that I will write and submit an application letter of
nomination to the finance company to enable you contact them on my behalf for
further instructions on the release of the Money to you.I
will need you to forward me Your full contact details Such as your full names,Address and phone number as It will be used to write
and submit an application letter of nomination to the finance company.
The most important area i need your assistance is this:I
will nominate you to the
finance company as my foreign partner /co-beneficiary recipient
of my father's deposit on my behalf as the next of kin.while
you will invest the money in your country as you recieve
the total money in your bank account and I will go back to my study as I did
not finished my education,
Meanwhile after writting the application letter to they finance company,I will forward you the
finance company details including the document of the money to enable you
contact them.
I will be expecting your
response.
Miss Justina Morgan.
************************************************************************
Thanks Justina
Here are my details:
Richard Donkey
13 Easy Street
London
NW1 3PD
071 375 8856
And I'm still waiting for
that photograph of your pretty face!!!
x
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: RE: Dear Donkey Dick,Thanks For Your Email
The first mail you sent to me,You wrote Dick as your name
while the second mail you wrote Richard Donkey as your name why ???,Your phone
is invalid too,It is not complete,
************************************************************************
Justina, you are correct.
I made a small mistake typing
out my phone number. I wrote 071 375 8856, but my number is actually 020 7346
6701.
It's a simple mistake,
brought on by my excitement about meeting you!
Did you know that Dick is
short for Richard? This is a very common abbreviation. Have you heard of google? It has many answers to pointless questions. It
explains what a Dick is.
Richard is my formal name.
Dick is for sharing with friends.
Dick Donkey
x
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Mr Richard Donkey,Please consult they finance
firm
Hello Mr Richard Donkey,
Thanks for your email and may
the Almighty God reward you abondantly as you help me
out,However,I have sufferred alot here and I need to
relocate to your country for a better life living,Meanwhile
attachedment is the deposit certificate including
they finance company contact informations where my
late father deposited the funds and I will like you to consult them immediately
as they are waiting to hear from you and as soon as you hear from them,do not hesitate to tell me what they say to you,I dont know if you are a
single man maybe this will be a great opportunity for us to get married and
live happily,Attachedment is my photo for your eyes
and I will like you to send me your photo so I can see how you look like.
Here are the full contact informations of they finance company,contact them immediately
LINUX FINANCE FIRM
NO 47 A CLOSE
BLOCK D3
SAN DAKAR
Contact Person
:Dr. Wade .P Steven.
CEO : Foreign
Operations
Phone : +221-77-828-08-61
Fax : +221-33-826-4260
E-Mail
:linux-finance-firm@linuxmail.org
Director personal Email : wadesteven30@yahoo.fr
BELLOW IS THE NAME OF MY LATE FATHER
Name of depositor
:Dr. George Morgan
Next of kin
:...........Miss Justina Morgan
************************************************************************
Wow Justina
You really are pretty. Like a cross between Princess Kate Middleton and that ogre Oprah
Winfrey.
You look much older than I
expected; I thought you were still at school. Still, I'm not complaining, I'll
take what I can get - jail bait or otherwise, schoolgirl or not.
Yes I am single, and based on
your picture, I would like to marry you and live on a farm. But not on a
Swaziland farm! They're dangerous. But you should know - your family was
brutally slaughtered on a farm, eh? Better be careful! LOL!
I want to send you my
picture, but I am currently away from my home, crouching in a urine-infested
bus shelter, trying to establish a decent wi-fi
connection. Damn computers! So I will just describe myself for your pleasure. I
look almost human with two arms and two legs. My face shape is like George
Clooney chewing on a dog biscuit, my eyes are like Shrek's, and my nose is like
a cross between Princess Kate Middleton and that honey Oprah Winfrey. So you
have nothing to worry about. When you see me, you will melt. The nitric acid
will make sure of that. Whoops! I learned that technique from those lunatics in
your chaotic homeland.
OK, so now I must contact the
finance company, Linux in San Dakar. I will do this soon, as soon as my
medication wears off. And then I will contact you to let you know how it went.
I'm not sure why you don't contact them directly, but I'm sure it all makes
perfect sense in this stupidly elaborate hustle.
I love you with all of god's
mighty might. More than Mighty Mouse himself. And Dangermouse. And that church mouse in the poem. And the
three blind ones who had their tails chopped off with a machete wielded by a
crazy African.
Dick Donkey
x
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: SweetHeart
Dick Donkey,Yours Love
Justina
SweetHeart Dick Donkey,
Thanks for your email,However,I have re-forwarded
your phone number to they finance company as the former one you sent me was not
correct and I am glad you are single and we can marry each other,
Meanwhile i
will like you to consult they finance company as they are waiting to hear from
you to enable them proceed the transfer with you and I will like us to talk
over the to telephone what do you ???
I would like you to send me
your photo as I sent you my photo,I
did not mean you are not handsome,But it is good to
see your face,
Please contact they finance
company immediately and anything they say to you,please do let me know,
I want to come to you and I
want us to get married and also live happily,I will be waiting for your reply.
Yours Love
Justina Morgan.
************************************************************************
My Justina
It's so great to hear from
you. Last night I could not sleep. This was partly due to me thinking about
you, and partly due to me being up all night stalking the streets, looking for
street children to groom. But still I found some pizza in a gutter so all was
not lost.
Have you heard of pizza? It's
like a piece of toast with tomato and cheese on top. Then you can add things
called "toppings" like ham, pineapple, faeces, olives and the body
parts of slaughtered Africans. Whoops - touchy subject, I know! But if you
can't laugh about genocide, you'd probably end up eating pizza from a gutter.
OK, I attach my photo. I know
I am handsome but try not to faint or wet yourself.
Many girls in the past have told me I look like Brad Pitt. What do you think?
Do you like my strong jaw? I think we will make a lovely couple, and we can
have babies which will grow up to be serial killers.
Perhaps they can be recruited by the Swaziland Militia and
finish of your extended family. JK!
I will contact the finance
company tomorrow. Toady I have to buy some milk. My carer says that I am only
allowed to do one task each day. Damn carers! If I do too much, I get stressed,
and this causes my hair to curl. You wouldn't want a curly-haired husband,
would you? Thought not!!!!
OK, I will try to call LINUX
today but my phone is broken. Does 'no credit' constitute a break? So I will
have to use another means of communication, probably walkie-talkies. Or two
yoghurt pots tied together with string. Or a carrier pigeon.
I once had a pigeon - did I tell you? I still have the $25. It's an investment.
Be patient, my Justina. You
have suffered much hardship in your life, so a bit more shouldn't bother you.
Sweet kisses.
Dick
************************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for
your mail and photo
Hi Dick,
Thanks for your mail and photo,However,You
really look good and I will be very glad to marry you,Live
with you,Spend the remaining days of my life with you
over there in your country and I would like you to consult they finance company
so that the transfer will begin as I really want to come down to you for better
life living,
Send an email to they finance company and also call them on phone so that they
will know our seriousness and I will like us to talk on phone too,
I am waiting for your reply.
Yours Lover Justina Morgan.
************************************************************************
My Dearest Justina,
Yes, you are my lover. And we
will be together forever, like those characters Prince Charles and Lady Diana
in the movie Titanic. I will buy you a big ring, surrounded by ropes, where we
can pummel the life out of each other. Did you learn unarmed combat from the
Swaziland lunatics you speak so fondly of? I hope not, for it will be difficult
for me to smother you with kisses and pillows. Will you put up a struggle? So
many questions É
Today I contacted the Linux
finance company with the following message:
Subject: Justina is in trouble - call
Lassie!
Dear Dr. Wade P Steven,
I am writing this message on behalf the actress
Justina Morgan who played the character Oprah Winfrey in the movie Finding
Nemo. She needs your help. ItÕs something to do with a nasty shark. And her parents were eaten too, by crazy Africans! LOL!
Anyway, Justina is in trouble. And sheÕs rich –
the perfect combination for unscrupulous pigeon-fancying psychopaths with too
much time on their hands. ItÕs like that movie with the rich girl in trouble
– I think itÕs called Rocky IV. But I digress É
IÕm hoping to help my girlfriend Justina and then nob
her. Do you think this is possible? She sent me a picture. SheÕs beautiful,
like a cross between Princess Kate Holmes and the honourable Dolph Lundgren.
Hey, IÕve just realised you are a doctor. I have a
rash. Do you know what it is? ItÕs red and itchy. Maybe you can prescribe me
some medicine. But please send it to my carer as I am
not allowed to touch anything stronger than aspirin. Do you know Viagra? It is
responsible for all rapes. Stay away!
Anyway, my fictitious financier, I want to help
Justina. What do I do next? Do you want money? I have $25 in savings, but I am
happy to take out a mortgage and join the rest of world in a cycle of debt.
Please help me to help Justina. Her familyÕs lives
depend on it. Oh wait, they are already dead. Hah! Please hurry. EOM
So now I have that miserable
business taken care of, Justina, please indulge me be reading a love poem that
I have written especially for you. Here it is:
Justina
Just in ya
Get it in ya
You bleeder
Justina
YouÕre cleaner
Than my cleanerÕs
Vagina
Do you like it? IÕve been
working on it for a month, even though IÕve only known you a week. Scary, eh?
But not as scary as those psychotic murderous villains who butchered your
family! Wow, they really were impolite. It is just not on, is it?
Please write a poem for me,
preferable one about the actor Stallone Sylvester who played the character
Sylvester Stallone in the movie The Royal Wedding staring Camilla.
Yours forever,
Donkey Dick
*********************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for
your mail and photo
Hello Darling Dick,
Thanks for your mail and for contacting they finance company,Please whatever they tell you do not hesitate to let
me know and I will like you to write and send me your Direct mobile phone
number so i can call you because I want us to talk,
Send me your direct mobile number,I will be waiting
for your reply.
Yours Love Justina Morgan.
*********************************************************************
My darling Justina (AKA my
African hornbag)
I want to talk to you too and
express my undying love for you, but unfortunately I have recently developed a
serious mouth ulcer which means I can only communicate
by Morse code. Do you know the code? It was invented by
Inspector Morse back in the day (maybe Friday or Wednesday. I'm not sure
which one. Damn calendars!) It's a series of dots and dashes - a bit like
gunfire and axe wounds, but you would know all about those methods of
brutality, wouldn't you? Ha! ROTFLMAO!
By the way, have you ever
killed anyone? I haven't. Yet. But I once rescued a baby pigeon from certain
death: it had something called "ageing" and had only about five years
of living left. So I put it out of its misery by burying it in pizza toppings.
If you are unsure of what these are, please see earlier email. Maybe we should
do that to people in your village: bury them alive in faeces. It's kind to be
cruel, or so the saying goes! And it would make a welcome change from having
their homes razed and their bodies hacked apart by crazy Africans.
I also want to send you my
"real" phone number but I am afraid the government will read this
email and chase me: I am currently on the run for financial fraud to the tune
of $25. So instead I will send you the encrypted version of my number. It is 9.
If you dial this and turn your phone upside down, you will get through to me.
If that doesn't work, we'll
have to try smoke signals. But they give you cancer so should be avoided at all
costs, a bit like African militia and Internet confidence tricksters. So try 9
first.
With love and just a
smattering of respect,
DD
***********************************************************************
From:
justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for
your mail and photo
I know you are not serious
with me
***********************************************************************
Touchˇ.