Have you ever replied to those Internet phishing scams where someone claims to have a huge pile of money just waiting for you?

I did.

The following is an exchange between Miss Justina Morgan (AKA Nigerian Internet scammer) and Dick Donkey (AKA me).

Please read from the top.




From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: Hello from Miss Justina Morgan



You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally.I am miss Justina Morgan,the only child of Dr.George Morgan,my families was murdered in the farm land crisis dispute in our country Swaziland.I am writing from (Senegalaise) where i currently based and Before the death of my father,he deposit the sum of (US$3.9M) Three million,nine hundred thousand United States dollars in a Finance Company.Maybe he for-saw the looming danger in the Swaziland .


This money was initially meant to purchase new machines and chemicals for the farms and also to establish a new farm  in the Kenya.The farm land problem came when the government of Swaziland,introduced a new Government decree/act that,affected a lot of Citizens and The masses.This resulted to mob action and killings by Swaziland crisis Veterans and some Lunatics in the society, so to say.


In fact,a lot of people were killed in the farm land reform act and I have consulted they finance company about my father money also to transfer the money out of their custody to any of my foreign partner abroad since I cannot handle the money and I am still alittle girl and I do not know how to handle such a huge of funds and I want to go back to my school as I did not finished my study,


I know that you are a good person with good heart and I know that you can help me out.


Please Email me and Let me know your tought toward this matter to enable us proceed on it.  justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk




Miss Justina Morgan.




Hello Miss Justina

Thank you for your touching email.

You write very well for a young girl. You must have studied hard. Probably at an imaginary school.

I am so sorry to hear about the decimation of your homeland, your subsequent refugee status, and the massacre of your family. This must be a pain in the arse, and terribly inconvenient. Like sitting on a nail. Or unplanned bum sex. I sympathise.


Anyway, your current situation sounds very interesting. US$3.9M you say? That's a lot of money. Do you plan to buy some sweets and maybe a new dress if you get hold of the money? You would look so pretty! Maybe I could give you advice on how to spend your fortune because I am good with budgets. I once saved up enough money to buy a pigeon, and then I sold it making a cheeky profit of $25. The pigeon died soon after, but that's life, or death, depending on which way you look at it. Hey, you should know! Those lunatics in Swaziland slaughtered your family - whoops!


Because of my track record in pigeon profiteering, perhaps I could help you get the money and then you could put me in charge of your vast wealth. Because, like you say, I have a good heart. How did you know this?!


How do we proceed? Maybe I should wire you some money to help with your education expenses in Senegal. Do you need pencils, etc? I know a guy who has lots of blunt ones. Perhaps I can sharpen some for you and send them over. Can you send pencils in the post these days? Damn terrorists! Or would you just prefer money?


I am happy to send you some cash. Do you prefer $US or some unstable hyperinflated African currency? Please let me know. I can do Western Union. What's your account?


And please send me a photo so that I know you are genuine. Preferably one of you posing in a bathroom mirror like those skanks you see on facebook. Ungodly tramps!


Kind regards,






From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: Dear Donkey Dick, Thanks For Your Email


Dear Donkey Dick,


Thanks for your email and your willingness to help me transferring my late father's money in your country under your control,I want you to understand that i have contacted the ceo of the finance company for the releasement of my late father's money out of their custody to you as my foreign partner abroad,After my discussion with the ceo of the finance company,he made me to understand that i should introduce you to them officially to enable them establish contact with you for further instructions on the release of the money to you.


Therefore,I will like you to understand that I will write and submit an application letter of nomination to the finance company to enable you contact them on my behalf for further instructions on the release of the Money to you.I will need you to forward me Your full contact details Such as your full names,Address and phone number as It will be used to write and submit an application letter of nomination to the finance company.


The most important area i need your assistance is this:I will nominate you to the  finance company as my foreign partner /co-beneficiary recipient of my father's deposit on my behalf as the next of kin.while you will invest the money in your country as you recieve the total money in your bank account and I will go back to my study as I did not finished my education,


Meanwhile after writting the application letter to they finance company,I will forward you the finance company details including the document of the money to enable you contact them.


I will be expecting your response.


Miss Justina Morgan.




Thanks Justina

Here are my details:


Richard Donkey

13 Easy Street



071 375 8856


And I'm still waiting for that photograph of your pretty face!!!





From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: RE: Dear Donkey Dick,Thanks For Your Email


The first mail you sent to me,You wrote Dick as your name while the second mail you wrote Richard Donkey as your name why ???,Your phone is invalid too,It is not complete,




Justina, you are correct.

I made a small mistake typing out my phone number. I wrote 071 375 8856, but my number is actually 020 7346 6701.

It's a simple mistake, brought on by my excitement about meeting you!


Did you know that Dick is short for Richard? This is a very common abbreviation. Have you heard of google? It has many answers to pointless questions. It explains what a Dick is.

Richard is my formal name. Dick is for sharing with friends.


Dick Donkey





From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: Hello Mr Richard Donkey,Please consult they finance firm


Hello Mr Richard Donkey,


Thanks for your email and may the Almighty God reward you abondantly as you help me out,However,I have sufferred alot here and I need to relocate to your country for a better life living,Meanwhile attachedment is the deposit certificate including they finance company contact informations where my late father deposited the funds and I will like you to consult them immediately as they are waiting to hear from you and as soon as you hear from them,do not hesitate to tell me what they say to you,I dont know if you are a single man maybe this will be a great opportunity for us to get married and live happily,Attachedment is my photo for your eyes and I will like you to send me your photo so I can see how you look like.


Here are the full contact informations of they finance company,contact them immediately








Contact Person :Dr. Wade .P Steven.

CEO : Foreign  Operations

Phone  : +221-77-828-08-61

Fax      : +221-33-826-4260

E-Mail :linux-finance-firm@linuxmail.org

Director personal Email : wadesteven30@yahoo.fr




Name of depositor :Dr. George Morgan

Next of kin :...........Miss Justina Morgan




Wow Justina

You really are pretty. Like a cross between Princess Kate Middleton and that ogre Oprah Winfrey.

You look much older than I expected; I thought you were still at school. Still, I'm not complaining, I'll take what I can get - jail bait or otherwise, schoolgirl or not.

Yes I am single, and based on your picture, I would like to marry you and live on a farm. But not on a Swaziland farm! They're dangerous. But you should know - your family was brutally slaughtered on a farm, eh? Better be careful! LOL!


I want to send you my picture, but I am currently away from my home, crouching in a urine-infested bus shelter, trying to establish a decent wi-fi connection. Damn computers! So I will just describe myself for your pleasure. I look almost human with two arms and two legs. My face shape is like George Clooney chewing on a dog biscuit, my eyes are like Shrek's, and my nose is like a cross between Princess Kate Middleton and that honey Oprah Winfrey. So you have nothing to worry about. When you see me, you will melt. The nitric acid will make sure of that. Whoops! I learned that technique from those lunatics in your chaotic homeland.


OK, so now I must contact the finance company, Linux in San Dakar. I will do this soon, as soon as my medication wears off. And then I will contact you to let you know how it went. I'm not sure why you don't contact them directly, but I'm sure it all makes perfect sense in this stupidly elaborate hustle.


I love you with all of god's mighty might. More than Mighty Mouse himself. And Dangermouse. And that church mouse in the poem. And the three blind ones who had their tails chopped off with a machete wielded by a crazy African.


Dick Donkey





From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: SweetHeart Dick Donkey,Yours Love Justina


SweetHeart Dick Donkey,


Thanks for your email,However,I have re-forwarded your phone number to they finance company as the former one you sent me was not correct and I am glad you are single and we can marry each other,


Meanwhile i will like you to consult they finance company as they are waiting to hear from you to enable them proceed the transfer with you and I will like us to talk over the to telephone what do you ???


I would like you to send me your photo as I sent you my photo,I did not mean you are not handsome,But it is good to see your face,


Please contact they finance company immediately and anything they say to you,please do let me know,


I want to come to you and I want us to get married and also live happily,I will be waiting for your reply.


Yours Love Justina Morgan.




My Justina

It's so great to hear from you. Last night I could not sleep. This was partly due to me thinking about you, and partly due to me being up all night stalking the streets, looking for street children to groom. But still I found some pizza in a gutter so all was not lost.

Have you heard of pizza? It's like a piece of toast with tomato and cheese on top. Then you can add things called "toppings" like ham, pineapple, faeces, olives and the body parts of slaughtered Africans. Whoops - touchy subject, I know! But if you can't laugh about genocide, you'd probably end up eating pizza from a gutter.


OK, I attach my photo. I know I am handsome but try not to faint or wet yourself. Many girls in the past have told me I look like Brad Pitt. What do you think? Do you like my strong jaw? I think we will make a lovely couple, and we can have babies which will grow up to be serial killers. Perhaps they can be recruited by the Swaziland Militia and finish of your extended family. JK!


I will contact the finance company tomorrow. Toady I have to buy some milk. My carer says that I am only allowed to do one task each day. Damn carers! If I do too much, I get stressed, and this causes my hair to curl. You wouldn't want a curly-haired husband, would you? Thought not!!!!


OK, I will try to call LINUX today but my phone is broken. Does 'no credit' constitute a break? So I will have to use another means of communication, probably walkie-talkies. Or two yoghurt pots tied together with string. Or a carrier pigeon. I once had a pigeon - did I tell you? I still have the $25. It's an investment.


Be patient, my Justina. You have suffered much hardship in your life, so a bit more shouldn't bother you.


Sweet kisses.


Description: C:\Documents and Settings\acerbutlerm\Desktop\richard.jpg




From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for your mail and photo


Hi Dick,

Thanks for your mail and photo,However,You really look good and I will be very glad to marry you,Live with you,Spend the remaining days of my life with you over there in your country and I would like you to consult they finance company so that the transfer will begin as I really want to come down to you for better life living,

Send an email to they finance company and also call them on phone so that they will know our seriousness and I will like us to talk on phone too,

I am waiting for your reply.

Yours Lover Justina Morgan.





My Dearest Justina,

Yes, you are my lover. And we will be together forever, like those characters Prince Charles and Lady Diana in the movie Titanic. I will buy you a big ring, surrounded by ropes, where we can pummel the life out of each other. Did you learn unarmed combat from the Swaziland lunatics you speak so fondly of? I hope not, for it will be difficult for me to smother you with kisses and pillows. Will you put up a struggle? So many questions É


Today I contacted the Linux finance company with the following message:



Subject: Justina is in trouble - call Lassie!


Dear Dr. Wade P Steven,

I am writing this message on behalf the actress Justina Morgan who played the character Oprah Winfrey in the movie Finding Nemo. She needs your help. ItÕs something to do with a nasty shark. And her parents were eaten too, by crazy Africans! LOL!

Anyway, Justina is in trouble. And sheÕs rich – the perfect combination for unscrupulous pigeon-fancying psychopaths with too much time on their hands. ItÕs like that movie with the rich girl in trouble – I think itÕs called Rocky IV. But I digress É

IÕm hoping to help my girlfriend Justina and then nob her. Do you think this is possible? She sent me a picture. SheÕs beautiful, like a cross between Princess Kate Holmes and the honourable Dolph Lundgren.

Hey, IÕve just realised you are a doctor. I have a rash. Do you know what it is? ItÕs red and itchy. Maybe you can prescribe me some medicine. But please send it to my carer as I am not allowed to touch anything stronger than aspirin. Do you know Viagra? It is responsible for all rapes. Stay away!


Anyway, my fictitious financier, I want to help Justina. What do I do next? Do you want money? I have $25 in savings, but I am happy to take out a mortgage and join the rest of world in a cycle of debt.


Please help me to help Justina. Her familyÕs lives depend on it. Oh wait, they are already dead. Hah! Please hurry. EOM



So now I have that miserable business taken care of, Justina, please indulge me be reading a love poem that I have written especially for you. Here it is:



Just in ya

Get it in ya

You bleeder


YouÕre cleaner

Than my cleanerÕs



Do you like it? IÕve been working on it for a month, even though IÕve only known you a week. Scary, eh? But not as scary as those psychotic murderous villains who butchered your family! Wow, they really were impolite. It is just not on, is it?


Please write a poem for me, preferable one about the actor Stallone Sylvester who played the character Sylvester Stallone in the movie The Royal Wedding staring Camilla.


Yours forever,

Donkey Dick




From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for your mail and photo

Description: https://snt145.mail.live.com/mail/clear.gif

Hello Darling Dick,

Thanks for your mail and for contacting they finance company,Please whatever they tell you do not hesitate to let me know and I will like you to write and send me your Direct mobile phone number so i can call you because I want us to talk,

Send me your direct mobile number,I will be waiting for your reply.

Yours Love Justina Morgan.




My darling Justina (AKA my African hornbag)


I want to talk to you too and express my undying love for you, but unfortunately I have recently developed a serious mouth ulcer which means I can only communicate by Morse code. Do you know the code? It was invented by Inspector Morse back in the day (maybe Friday or Wednesday. I'm not sure which one. Damn calendars!) It's a series of dots and dashes - a bit like gunfire and axe wounds, but you would know all about those methods of brutality, wouldn't you? Ha! ROTFLMAO!


By the way, have you ever killed anyone? I haven't. Yet. But I once rescued a baby pigeon from certain death: it had something called "ageing" and had only about five years of living left. So I put it out of its misery by burying it in pizza toppings. If you are unsure of what these are, please see earlier email. Maybe we should do that to people in your village: bury them alive in faeces. It's kind to be cruel, or so the saying goes! And it would make a welcome change from having their homes razed and their bodies hacked apart by crazy Africans.


I also want to send you my "real" phone number but I am afraid the government will read this email and chase me: I am currently on the run for financial fraud to the tune of $25. So instead I will send you the encrypted version of my number. It is 9. If you dial this and turn your phone upside down, you will get through to me.


If that doesn't work, we'll have to try smoke signals. But they give you cancer so should be avoided at all costs, a bit like African militia and Internet confidence tricksters. So try 9 first.


With love and just a smattering of respect,





From: justinajustina17@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hi Dick,Thanks for your mail and photo


I know you are not serious with me